Angst // PG-13 (for the use of le mot douchebag, I suppose)
They were once a lovely couple, all happiness and rainbows. That is, until Minho changed. A collection of letters by Kibum about a love gone wrong.
I’m looking at the scrapbook Jinki made for us in our senior year of university. I think you’ve gotten less handsome. Ah, does that sound rude to say. You see, you have features blessed with holy water sculpted from the finest marble, just a natural Greek statue mobilized. You have this air about you that is littered with particles of confidence and self-awareness, interpersonal outlooks and open-mindedness, admirable qualities, and … well I could go for paragraphs and paragraphs but I’m not. Because you don’t deserve it. You see you hurt me. Not in the literal sense because I’m going to forget the incident where you put your hands on me but you’ve hurt me when you decided that my air wasn't clean enough to breathe, that purity came in the form of sweaty socks and half-empty sports drink bottles, that the thousands of mouths that carried your name on their tongues were worth more than the pores on my body that breathed in everything about you.
I’m looking at the scrapbook and thinking I should have listened to my mother when she told me that you weren’t good enough for me, should have listened to Taemin when he tried to warn me that just because you were good friends with Jinki didn’t mean you would worship me – and I’ve seen Jinki’s shrine to Taemin. It’s quite frightening but endearing all the same. I should have listened to Jonghyun that one karaoke night when he pledged his love to me in the upbeat melodies of a Girls Generation song.
(He remains classy as ever, I’ve heard. …Seeing as how you won’t let me talk to him.)
But instead I went for you. The tall and scrawny kid with the nice smile who couldn’t kick a soccer ball to save his life. You were so attractive back then, with your cheesy grin and your knock-off these-are-totally-designer-pants-Kibum. With your horrible dancing and your laughable rapping. You were just so beautiful. So so beautiful.
Where did you go,
Taemin invited me to his hometown this weekend. I am going to go. I’ll probably be gone by the time you get this letter. You probably won’t notice I’m not there until you get this letter. And that’s if you read it. Tell me, he who I once called my love, did you even notice that I dyed my hair three times in a two month period just so you would comment on it. I was hoping you might say something like Kibum that color is awful on you or I like that shade of brown on you, it really brings out your eyes. Something, anything, to prove to me that I was still alive in your eyes. Am I really dead to you?
But whatever. I have my bags packed. You wouldn’t notice that either considering we don’t sleep in the same room anymore. I bet your pillow doesn’t smell like a mix of our colognes but something muskier than what I put on or something fruitier. I’ve lost touch with what is in, in today’s society. Last time I checked blonde was in but walking down the street a few days ago I saw someone with bright blue hair. It was like the person dipped their head in a vat of some kind of blue raspberry fruit drink. …Do they sell that?
Oh, well, that is beside the point. The point is I’m gone. I’m sure you won’t miss me. I’m sure you won’t notice I’m gone.
As mistreated as I am,
You had your agent write me a letter.
You had your agent write me a letter.
I don’t think I can even grace you with any kind of appropriate response.
Did I say I loved you,
It’s only been one day but every time I see that letter poking out of the trash bin, I feel compelled to give you something better that what you gave me.
Have you every shed a tear in your life? Do you what a tear even is? Have you ever put your hand to your chest and felt your heart beating there or are you just some kind of robot made to make my life a horrible soap opera? Have you ever known distress? Have you ever felt anything but pride, pride, pride, and more pride? You could not even find the time to write back to me in your own handwriting, your own words, hm? I am more than sure you have enough time between practices and games to write even just a simple Hey Kibum, it’s Minho. Thought I'd just be respectful and write something back. Kbye. I guess I can only wish for something so simple.
I’ll give you a few words to live with for a while. I’ll come back when I need to, when I miss you, when you miss me, when you love me again like I love you. Taemin’s family offered me a room to stay in for a while – Taemin still can’t keep his mouth shut but I love the guy nonetheless. Anyway, this is all I have left to say:
Don’t touch my things while I’m gone.
If I find so much as a brush turned twenty more degrees to the right than it should be,
I received your letter in the mail a few days ago. I almost threw it out as soon as I saw it but I decided to hold on to it. At least it was in your own messy scrawl than the type of your agent’s hand. I am not too sure how to take it. You were always terrible with words and lying to me but I’m still unsure of if your words of love and heartbreak and please come back mean anything. I packed up my bags and kissed Taemin’s mother on the cheek just to head back up to the spare room they lent me and bawl. How do I know if you are truthful? Taemin and Jinki have distanced themselves from you and Jonghyun has never liked you in the first place. He stopped by to see me yesterday, with a plastic rose and cheap chocolate bar in his hands and a bright, crooked smile on his face.
What am I doing?
Anyway, I want to take you seriously but I don’t if I can. I’ve gone through so many ups and downs, I can’t tell the difference between North and South now. My heart has been crushed and uplifted so many times my left ventricle stutters when it pumps.
You say you miss me. So I’ll come back when I miss you. Because then I'll be sure that you really miss me.
Jonghyun’s taking me out for breakfast tomorrow.
And even though I hope I won’t,
We haven’t missed each other enough yet so I’m not coming back. Think of me as your first child, leaving off to some big shot university on an endless wave of dreams. I’ll come back when I can feel the shimmers of success on my fingertips. I’ll come back when my stomach is touching my back – have you ever taken yoga or pilates? I’ve been told that often when my legs are shaking with nervousness and the weight of the world; I can’t carry it all at the moment. I hope you will welcome me with open arms when I can finally perform Eka Pada Koundiyanasana I, when I need you to carry my limbs in a tote bag because I’ve tried too hard to be strong and failed.
Our skin will eventually come to droop, our bodies will sag, muscles, skin, bone all detached from one another. I think I will still love you then. I think I’ll still love you when you have been cast off to a sea of faith and blinding sunshine beliefs in the sky –
Looking back on it, that sounds horrible. But it’s truthful nonetheless so even if you took the time to read through my horrible attempts at scratching it out, at least you know it’s from the heart.
I’ll be back soon, someday,
Dear Choi Minho,
Jonghyun told me he loved me. I told him that’s the forty-third time he’s said that. I thought you should now. I only love you.
I hope you really do care,
I saw the article in the paper today. He’s handsome, that guy you’re kissing in the picture. I laughed. You want to know why? I laughed because he doesn’t look like me. I laughed because he isn’t me. I laughed because Jonghyun bought me a couple ring even though he smiled and said it’s only a gift, see, look at my hands, I don’t even have one of my own and I told him I couldn’t take it, couldn’t accept his feelings that hung over my eyes like a solid black veil, just so obvious. I laughed because my body still cried out for you. (It was an ugly sight, I tell you.)
I laughed because I believed you cared,
I still love you,
written in less than 40 min. i have zero idea what this. merely me trying to get over writer's block
didn't check for any errors so...
anyway i hope it was enjoyable...to some degree