up in dat maple syrup (frenchtoast) wrote,
up in dat maple syrup
frenchtoast

dlfkjd'fkdjf (keysmash)

dlfkjd'fkdjf (keysmash) // Luhan x Minseok
crack // pg
In which Minseok keeps a very embarrassing diary with all of his fanboy rants about his classmate Lu Han. He's isn't ashamed to write his (stalkerish) heart out on the pages, not even when Jongdae teases him about it. He isn't as composed when he loses his diary and someone starts leaving him notes containing comments about the contents of his diary. (eyyy, terrible summary & still poopy formatting)






*friday 7 september 2012*


he. is. so. perfect. i don’t know what to do with my life. it’s like … i just can’t with the world anymore. how can someone that unreal possibly be real? and why can’t i be the kim to his chi. oh god that was terrible. remind me to never use that line in real life.

anyway. so i told myself i wasn’t going to use this lame ass diary (because jongdae already calls me a weanie and he doesn’t need any more blackmail against me), but there is no way i can be satisfied with life if i don’t document about such holiness.

so through this diary i want the entire world (read: just me) to know that lu han is flaw.free. someone call all the major broadcasting stations and tell them to run a 24-hour show on how lu fucking han is the most perfect person in the world. like seriously.

(this is weird. it’s like i’m talking to myself)


*tuesday 11 september 2012*


lu han smiled in my general direction today. someone get me on life support.


*tuesday 11 september 2012*


okay so it’s only been about thirty minutes since i last wrote in this but this is serious.

why does it seem like whenever i try to touch lu han (not in a sexual way, mind you), there is this invisible forcefield that blasts me all the way to jeju (dramatic).

I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF HIS HAIR IS AS SOFT AS IT LOOKS ;~;


*wednesday 12 september 2012*


today i found out lu han smells like jasmine.

jongdae called me a creeper but i think he’s just angry because he smells like nasty potpourri.

i wonder what kind of soap lu han uses. or if he uses body wash.

maybe if jongdae used lu han’s brand he’d be happier.

anything is possible when you smell like lu han and not nasty potpourri.

(i also found out today that yixing irons his underwear. good to know. *insert too-much-information.gif here*)


*thursday 13 september 2012*


he’s soooooo perfect


*friday 14 september 2012*


jongdae is a butthole. he deliberately blocked my view of lu han when i was trying to take a stalker photo. how dare he.

~KIM JONGDAE RULEZ~


*sunday 16 september 2012*


i hate weekends so much. they keep me from my daily dose of lu han. but now the weekend is over and i can go back to being a total creeper :D

(crying for life. jongdae has vandalized my precious diary. for the record: kim jongdae does NOT rule)


*monday 17 september 2012*


so i don’t think i’ve told you this, diary, but me and lu han have the same chemistry class together. for a guy with such a godly face, he’s a little stupid. it’s cute though. he works it. who needs brains in this world, anyway? we have the internet. though i am a little worried for kyungsoo. i hope he tells lu han that fire and most chemicals do not mix. i’ll get my suit ready in case kyungsoo dies.


*monday 17 september 2012*


jongdae tells me i have an addiction to writing about lu han in this journal. i told him that you can’t be addicted to something that isn’t a drug. he called me a hippo. (whatever that means)

but HOLD UP.

that lucky bitch yixing gets to tutor lu han in economics. it’s not that i’m jelly. but we all know yixing still needs a calculator to figure out two plus two does not equal quantum physics. everyone in this school is stupid. every single last person.

except for me.

because i’m awesome.

get at me. thug life.


*tuesday 18 september 2012*


excuse me while i cry until i vomit.


kyungsoo dropped out of our chemistry class because he’s a wuss who (understandably) fears for his life and now I’M LAB PARTNERS WITH MY LOVELY PRINCE LULU.

HALP. FEELS CANNOT BE CONTAINED.

(i can’t be tamed~ …it sort of rhymes okay?)

WHERE IS MY LIFE SUPPORT, GOD DAMMIT?

AND YES IT IS NECESSARY FOR ME TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE THIS IS THE BEST MOTHERFUCKING DAY OF MY SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD LIFE AND I DON’T EVEN CARE IF THIS IDIOT JONGDAE IS LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER AS I WRITE THIS JOURNAL ENTRY.

excuse me while i tell him to gtfo though.


*wednesday 19 september 2012*


LUSQUIRREL talked to me outside of class today~~ he just came up to me in the hallway and was like:

“hey, minseok. do you have the chemistry notes from last class”

AND I SWEAR ANGELS SUNG

WHAT IS OXYGEN AND WHY HASN’T ANYONE BROUGHT IT TO ME IN TANK FORM.

but then he asked me what the book i was always writing in was for and my heart stopped because it’s not like i could say:

“oh, this is my diary. where i talk about you. and only you. well, sometimes i talk about jongdae and how much of an assnugget he is but…yeah…mostly you… :D”

so i told him it was a secret that only my friends could know about. like the slam book in mean girls.

and then he asked to be my friend.

#bring#me#life#support#pls


*monday 24 september 2012*


so i haven’t written an entry in a while and that’s because jongdae and yixing thought it would be cute to steal my diary and photocopy all of the pages for future blackmail.

no problem. i have pictures of jongdae sleeping with a teddy bear from last year and copies of all his baby pictures (me and jongdae’s mom are good friends). and yixing. yixing knows better than to mess with me. i have a machete.

lu han won’t give up on his mission to be friends with me. and normally i would be flailing all over the place but i know he’s only doing it to see what i’m writing in my diary.

he treated me to pork barbecue yesterday (and everyone knows i loves me some pork). and then we walked around outside for a couple of hours. it was nice, sweet, (i was constantly texting jongdae about the status of my life support), and an overall good day.

and i may have told him that i like his face but he just smiled and said he likes my face too.

(obviously we are meant to be)



(

“please tell me you have it.”

jongdae rolls his eyes. “not this time, sorry. can you let go of me now?”

instead of letting go, minseok’s grip on jongdae’s shoulders tightens. “what do you mean you don’t have it. you have to have it. because i don’t have it.”

jongdae casts a seeking glance to yixing who shrugs his shoulders and busies himself with his phone.

“do you want the photocopies?”

minseok gapes, releasing jongdae’s shoulder to punch him in the chest. “no, i don’t want the photocopies. I WANT THE REAL THING!!”

jongdae turns up his nose, rubbing at his sore shoulders. minseok has really strong hands.

“so you lost your diary. big deal.”

minseok nods. “yes, yes it is a big deal. who knows who could have it. if it’s in the wrong hands, the entire universe could explode.”

“you’re an idiot,” jongdae mutters under his breath but he’s standing close enough that minseok still hears him.

“and you’ll never be a sexy as me. we all have our weaknesses.”

shaking his head, jongdae pats minseok on the head.

“well, good luck with your problem. i’m going to class.”

minseok watches jongdae walk away, waiting until the younger gets to the other end of the hallway before collapsing to the floor dramatically and reaching out in jongdae’s direction.

“YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME LIKE THIS. WHAT ABOUT OUR FIFTEEN CHILDREN? WHY WON’T YOU THINK OF THE CHILDREN?”

yixing shakes his head and walks to his own class, leaving minseok to his theatrics.



***

minseok is dutifully participating in his physical education class as always. the shade of the tree is cooling in this autumn heat and watching the peasant folk run around in their shorts is always amusing.

“kim minseok! you have ten seconds to get over here and do your warm ups or you’re going to run thirty laps!”

minseok turns his attention away from his bowl of strawberries and looks at his teacher. “what was that? sorry, i’m allergic to any form of labor that isn’t related to my lusquirrel.”

and then he’s reminded of how his precious diary is lost out in the unknown and he promptly chokes on his mouthful of strawberry.


***

when minseok sits down in his seat after returning from the bathroom, there's a post-it note stuck to his desk.

it reads:

i'm jealous. you have fifteen children with jongdae. i bet our children would look so much better.


and at first minseok is disturbed but after reading it over he feels flattered. he has no idea who wrote the note but it's nice to know someone wants his children. really boosts his overly inflated ego.

he wishes he could take this person up on their offer. jongdae would produce very ugly babies. minseok decides to tell him to get his tubes tied.


***

there is a post-it stuck to one of the beakers in the chemistry lab.

jongdae can’t afford the kind of body wash lu han uses.

and it’s rosemary. not jasmine.



and another on the front cover of his english textbook that reads:

kyungsoo’s life was never in danger. you trust prince lulu right?



***

the last note he finds is actually on jongdae’s back. he decides to slap his best friend on his back when he notices the blue post-it.

“what the fuck?” jongdae snaps, attempting to rub at the stinging part of his back but failing.

minseok is amused at how jongdae flails around. he looks like he’s trying to dance. it’s cute.

“sorry,” minseok waves his hand flippantly, “i thought i saw a suspicious growth.”

jongdae glares at him before turning back around. minseok rips the note off his back with ease.

his eyes scan over it and he yells as if he just discovered fire.

the entire lunchroom turns to look at him.

“what is your problem now?” jongdae sighs, rolling his eyes. “did you finally realize you’ll never amount to anything and live a lonely and sad life?”

minseok raises an eyebrow. “it’s terrible that you think of yourself that way, dae. you should seek psychological help. but that isn’t the problem.”

“oh? well then what is the problem?”

crumpling the note in his hands, minseok smiles at his best friend.

jongdae is taken by surprised when he’s tackled and stumpy little fingers are wrapped around his neck.

“THAT PRETTY SQUIRREL HAS MY DIARY. THAT HUMAN WORK OF ART HAS. MY. DIARY,” minseok screams as he shakes jongdae ruthlessly. he ignores the thump of jongdae’s head hitting the ground.

minseok only lets go when jongdae becomes unresponsive.

he faints not even ten seconds later.


(the note: how long have you been calling me lusquirrel? i personally prefer lusexy, but i guess lusquirrel has some charm to it. let’s go out for pork again, minhippo)


***

when minseok comes to, he’s in the infirmary. he has a slight headache and he’s sure the walls are melting.

“oh! good morning, minhippo. have a nice nap?”

minseok stares at lu han. he blinks. and rolls over to his stomach.

“five more minutes, mom.”

there is silence for about twenty seconds.

“i guess you don’t want to go on a date with the cute boy who’s standing at our door. said his name is lu-something.”

. . .

“WHAT?!”

ripping off the thin blanket, minseok leaps off the infirmary bed like a swan, yelling for his mother. as soon as his foot connects with the floor, he slips and falls on his butt.

mocking laughter chimes above him and he freezes, curses his life.

“you’re really stupid, minhippo,” lu han says, still laughing around the words.

minseok pouts. “like you have any room to talk. you’re the 24th student in our class.” minseok mumbles.

“you’re the 25th,” lu han points out.

sticking out his tongue, minseok holds out his hand. lu han helps him up easily.

dusting off his clothes, minseok faces the slightly younger boy.

“so what was this about a date?”

lu han shrugs. “i was thinking a walk around the park or something. i’ve always wanted to have one of those kinds of dates like in the movies.”

“what about my diary?” minseok frowns.

“what about it?”

“didn’t it freak you out?”

lu han shrugs again. “why would it? i have a picture of you undressing in front of your window. you forgot to close your curtains.”

minseok nods slowly and holds up a finger.

“excuse me while i cry until i vomit.”

)

ughh, the formattttt
ugghhhhhh

Tags: #bring, #life, #me, #pls, #support, au, genre: crack, length: oneshot, rating: pg, titanic: xiuhan, x. exo, ○keysmash
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